Recently, I was tasked with discussing the notion of "micro-feminism," which has gained significant traction online as women push for their rights and challenge the prevalent double standards in heterosexual relationships. This issue is particularly pertinent for all women, with mothers facing it most intensely, and I would contend that Step-mothers are impacted in particularly harmful ways. They frequently encounter a mix of internal and external pressures that lead to a myriad of conflicting feelings about their positions and connections, all while lacking the advantages of being a biological parent and having ultimate authority over the upbringing of their stepchildren.
Many people have told me that Stepfathers face different challenges compared to Stepmothers, and I have heard this sentiment echoed by numerous individuals. I am convinced that this discrepancy arises from the differing societal expectations placed on men and women when it comes to caregiving and primary parenting roles.
Sarah Bregel, in an article for "Parents" magazine, discusses the concept of micro-feminism within her coparenting relationship. Despite having 50/50 custody, she finds herself constantly advocating for equal parenting duties through small but significant actions. This ongoing effort highlights the persistent challenges in achieving true equality in coparenting. You can read the whole article here.
It is crucial for stepmothers to be aware of the inherent sense of duty they feel towards the children and the household. Often, they do not realize this until they are deeply involved and lose sight of their initial reasons for being there, leading to feelings of resentment and being overwhelmed. Stepmothers may be more susceptible to falling into this pattern due to the immense pressure and confusion they face without the natural bonding hormones and chemicals that biological mothers have. They tend to believe that they should have the same level of connection with the children as biological mothers do, pushing themselves harder to bridge this perceived gap. They convince themselves that they ought to feel the same level of attachment, and frequently express feelings of guilt for not loving the children as they believe they should. This guilt shapes their perception of their role.
When working together, a significant part of the support I provide involves validating their feelings, reassuring them that it is completely normal and does not make them bad if they do not naturally feel prepared to take on a sacrificial parenting role and unconditionally love their stepchildren. We then explore the tasks and aspects of caregiving that they genuinely wish to undertake to establish a healthy bond with both their partner and the children, rather than one filled with guilt and resentment.
I am grateful to Sarah Bregel for shedding light on this issue! I'm happy to apply the concepts of micro-feminism to empowering stepmoms in their roles to bring clarity, confidence and connection in their households!
Comments